


Promise Me a Place

by somefantasytosurvivereality



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Post Glamor Springs, Pre-balance arc, Taako is trying his best, eventually, the whole crew will show up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 16:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15634509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somefantasytosurvivereality/pseuds/somefantasytosurvivereality
Summary: After the whole Glamor Springs debacle, Taako swears off cooking for good. Except he really like having a place to sleep and stable meals, so he makes an exception for some rich assholes no one actually likes. Too bad no one told him they have a kid way too smart for his own good.Or, Angus McDonald and the case of Taako, Personal Chef





	Promise Me a Place

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even fucking know.

It happened so fast. One moment the show was going great, as it always did, and the next people were vomiting, clutching their stomachs and their heads. Taako wasn’t sure what was happening, but it all clicked together. A bad transmutation, the elderberry garnish. It painted a bad picture.

So they ran. He and Sazed packed up the cart in record time and hauled it as fast as they could. They didn’t stop until the horse pulling the wagon couldn’t go on any farther, panting and sweaty as Taako pet its mane and found it a water trough.

“I’ll go grab some supplies in town,” Taako offered, and Sazed’s surprise at the uncharacteristic offer took over his whole face. “I’m not a human who has to do dumb shit like sleep, or anything. So, I’ll go and then we can head out.”

Sazed nodded, but didn’t say anything. Taako would look back on it later and realized that he never really did get a good look at Sazed’s face in that moment. Too eager to get away from the cart that reminded him of all the damage done. Too eager to think of something else, even if only for a little bit.

Thankfully the news of his last show, and Taako knew there was no coming back from that, hadn’t reached this little village yet. The people at the market were all too eager to take his gold in exchange for supplies and Taako was perhaps too eager to spend money from his last show. Anything to get it out of his hands. They had paid for the food. The food he gave them. The food that-

Taako shook it off. No use thinking of the past when he had a job to do. Food for the horse, food for him and Sazed, and maybe a disguise or too. Unfortunately, he had always been a been too good at shopping and it ended too soon. Making his way back to the wagon, Taako wondered were they could go next. He had always been shit at geography, but maybe Sazed would have an idea.

However, it quickly became clear that was not going to be an option. Taako got back to the place the cart was and there was nothing there but indentations in the grass. Unsure if he had gotten the location wrong, Taako walked a bit in each direction, just to be sure. It was apparent that Sazed had left while he could. Taako sat down hard on a rock, clutching the supplies he had bought and reminding himself that he had always been on his own. Taako didn’t need anyone or anything. And who was he, an elf who just murdered an unsuspecting crowd, to blame Sazed for leaving.

Taako let himself sit on that rock until sunset. The he got up, dusted himself off, wiped his eyes, and made his way back into the little village to find a place to stay for the night. He would need to keep moving. News of his last show would hit this village soon enough, and Taako needed to be long gone.

* * *

The days started to blur. Meditate enough to not be exhausted. Find enough food to keep on his feet. Don’t get caught by people who were hunting him down for murder. Just normal things. 

There were a few close calls. A few days where he really wished he could just lay down and sleep even though he didn’t technically need it. A few days he wondered if perhaps a jail cell might be a bit more comfortable if only for regular meal times.

Taako wasn’t sure how long it had been. Time didn’t seem to matter much anymore. He started staying places longer and found places where no one really cared about a small village more than as a brief passing thought. He was in Neverwinter now. A large bustling city where a dirty but well dressed elf didn’t stand out in the slightest. Not needing to sleep was really helping with the no place to live thing, and he did a few odd jobs on the side to help with the whole needing to eat thing, but it wasn’t a way he liked to live. 

Of course, this made the opportunity all the more appealing. He had been in a pub, the days had grown colder and no one looked twice at a stranger nursing a cup of something warm for the afternoon. Taako had been careful not to visit the same place twice and only to maybe flirt with the cute patrons a little. Just enough to see if he could get some free drinks.

The opportunity came in the form of two middle aged women drinking at an impressive rate at the bar. Taako took what entertainment he could get.

“And they just let me go, just like that! No warning!” A younger woman was ranting, taking large an impressive sips around her harsh words. “Two years I’ve put up with their shit, and one day I want to take off to see my little girl on her birthday and they cut me loose!”

“Horrible people, both of them,” the other agrees, clinking their cups together. “Delilah, I’ve told you they have no souls so many times, I can’t believe you only just realized it.”

“I know Annie, but the pay was sooooo good,” Delilah moaned, putting her head against her cup. Taako felt his ears perk up at that. “You know most of their chefs don’t even make it that far. I’m the longest one they’ve kept on in years.”

“No one in Neverwinter will work for them, after this,” Annie consoled the other woman. “I’ve told everyone I know how monsterous the McDonald’s are. I hope they starve. You’re talented, Delilah, you’ll find work in no time.”

So it seems that people really hated this family, but they paid really well and needed a chef.  Taako pondered the thought for a bit. A warm bed that he wouldn’t be chased out of, a stable source of food for a while, and a place to hide out from his fears. He’d have to cook, which he wasn’t sure he could handle. But, if he stayed away from magic and was just cooking for some hoity toity rich folk that were already thought of as assholes and he didn’t know, it could be okay. 

Mind made up, Taako finished up the rest of his drink, only wincing a bit at the taste and slipped out of the bar while no one was looking. He didn’t exactly have the funds to be drinking away his sorrows, and what funds he had weren’t going to be wasted on that shit. 

* * *

The house was huge. Taako had lived with a wealthy Uncle for a while before the man had been arrested for tax evasion, and he had seen nice houses, but this was ridiculous. Three floors, impressive stonework, columns so wide he couldn’t wrap his arms around them. He didn’t know much about architecture, but this was some impressive shit. Now at the front door, large intricately carved wooden monstrosities, Taako felt some hesitation. 

Taako took a deep breath before pushing any dark thought to the back of his mind, packing them in a box, locking that box, and throwing away the metaphorical key. Guilt always had a way of seeping out though.

Pesky emotions dealt with, Taako reached up and wrapped hard on the door with the beautiful brass knocker shaped like a lion. The sound echoed in the twilight and not even birds seemed to be singing out here. 

A well-dressed man with perfect posture and judging eyebrows opened the door. He was older for a human, but still had some years left in him. 

“McDonald’s residence, how can I help you?”

“I heard this family is in need of a chef, and I am an amazing, if I do say so myself, and I here to put myself up for consideration,” Taako said bowing with too much drama to be considered actually polite. 

“Uh huh,” the man answered, and boy he did not look excited. “And what is your name then?”

“Name’s Taako. Don’t wear it out.”

The man’s frown somehow deeped. “Not the Taako that was rumored to have killed an entire village with his cooking. If memory recalls, he was an elf as well.”

Taako froze for a moment and a small part of him wanted to shout out that it was hardly the whole village, but a larger part wanted to be somewhere warm tonight. “Wow, just like, a little bit racist there, my guy.” He started to splutter at that, but Taako continued over him. “Don’t worry I won’t tell. For your information, Taako is a pretty common name where I come from. But it’s actually my last name, and spelt differently. With a C. My first name’s,” Taako quickly searched for a name that was non threatening and lame. “Barold. But that sort of sucks, so I go by my last. For the brand.”

The man was red faced and adjusting the collar of his shirt. He ushered Taako inside and Taako tried not to let his victory show on his face. “Of course, of course Mr. Taaco. I’m David Salvin, the head of the household.” Taako was led from the impressive and lavish entrance hall to an equally extravagant hallway as they spoke. “Since our last cook left, I have had the unfortunate responsibility for cooking for the rest of the household, and am eager to pass that responsibility on to someone else.”

Taako followed David through a door that led to a beautiful kitchen. Clean white lines, top of the line fantasy appliances, a nice open space to work. 

The kitchen was only nicer the more Taako looked around. It was a rather large room with a counter of a light stone and solid dark wooden cabinets that wrapped around two walls. A large island sat in the middle extending the workspace and also inviting guests with some tall chairs. The back wall, which had large windows looking out to a truly extravagant backyard patio, had a circular wooden table that matched the color of the cabinets for more casual dining, but Taako had a feeling this place had at least one over the top dining room. The last wall had two doors: one was partially open and clearly led to a pantry and the other most likely led to a fancy ass dining room. All in all, definitely a place Taako could get behind. 

Taako whistled. “Nice digs.”

David’s eyebrow raised again. “Indeed. If you’re hired it would be your job to keep the kitchen in order and presentable at all time.”

“No problems here on that front, my dude. I know the importance of keeping a clear workspace.” Taako opened a cabinet, and it was worryingly spare for the opulence of the house. “Huh, pretty empty here, homeslice.”

David cleared his throat self-consciously. “As I said, I’ve had to take over the responsibilities of our chef for the time being, and I am a very busy man so some things have fallen a bit. Keeping the house stocked with the food budget will be another essential part of your role. How are you at keeping track of a budget?”

Taako’s math skills were nothing to write home about, but he had been on the road long enough to know the importance of keeping track of where all the money went. Sazed had done most of that near the end, but then again Taako was trying not to think about that. “I’ve worked with some traveling caravans all over Faerun, but if you don’t trust me at my word, homeboy, I can write a sample up for you.”

“Yes, yes, that would be acceptable.” David sighed. “Generally this is a more thorough process, but we are rather desperate right now. The lady of the house has yet to eat dinner. I had been about to start when you arrived, but if you are able to impress her, you can have the job.”

“What, right now?” Taako was already out of his jacket, hanging it on a chair, and rolled his sleeves up. He opened the fantasy fridge and the cabinets to see what he had to work with, and felt a flutter of an idea about using some transmutation magic to get some better ingredients, but no, he was going to do this by the book. “Well, pull up a chair then, my dude. This is gonna be good.” 

And, of course he was Taako- you know from TV -so it was.

* * *

Taako kept thinking about warm bed and stable food in his mind as the lady of the household, Beatrice Thaler McDonald, tasted his meal. David had grabbed the plate once it was done, had told Taako to stand behind him, not talk unless spoken to, and keep responses brief. Basically everything Taako hated, but bed and food. Bed and food. 

Taako fought the urge to fidget behind David as Lady McDonald cut into the steak. It was a small piece, and she carefully looked at it with an intense gaze before daintily putting it in her mouth. There was a moment of silence, and Taako wasn’t sure if Dave was breathing, but he certainly wasn’t.

“Acceptable.” David let a breath out and Taako might have too. The Lady cut another piece. She was elegant. Her dark hair was braided in many tight braids, and those were gathered stylishly on top of her head, not a strand out of place. Despite dining alone in her home, she had a face of perfect makeup, which made Taako a bit self-conscious about his day old mascara and hastily applied concealer. 

After swallowing, she turned her piercing eyes on Taako, and he tried to stand up a bit taller. “Breakfast in this household is served at seven sharp, as is dinner. My husband and I have a number of business engagements, which frequently entails guests coming over or us dining elsewhere. Occasionally we have associates over for tea. David will keep you updated on our schedules. At our larger functions you will be expected to serve around seventy people. Is that something you are capable of?”

David stepped on Taako’s foot. “Yup, no problem-o there.” David stepped on Taako’s foot again, and Lady McDonald’s nose scrunched with her distaste. 

“I suppose I’m not hiring you to talk to anyone. I expect the food to be high quality and if you cannot provide, I will not hesitate to find someone else. Occasionally, I will provide you with a menu, but generally that responsibility will fall to you. The household staff is entitled to three meals a day, and you will also be expected to provide that. David will supply you will the details. David will also provide you with a stipend for supplies for the household which you will be expected to manage. You will be paid 15 gold peices a week, and if you lack lodgings a room can be made up in the servants quarters. Is that understood?” 

Taako nodded. “Yeah- yes that sounds great-” David cut him off before he could say anything else. 

“We can discuss the details in the kitchen, Ma’am, so you can finish dinner.”

Lady McDonald waved them away, and Taako had a job. Taako hadn’t realized how long it had been since he smiled until his cheeks hurt from the force of it.

* * *

The gig wasn’t too bad. The McDonald’s generally allowed him free reign with the menu and they didn’t give a shit what he did as long as the food was ready when specified. They never really thanked him either, but he was growing used to that. For such a large house, there was a rather small staff. David of course, and he never seemed to be anything but a stick in the mud, a few maids who loved to share the gossip with Taako while they ate, and a handful of gardeners who mostly lived in the grounds.

The one problem he had was that the kitchen wasn’t his. It had clearly been well organized by the past chef, until David fucked it up with his messy attempts to provide for the household. It was fine, but still not his. He did like spending other people’s money on ingredients. He did not like going into his kitchen excited to make something only to find that someone else had fucking taken it. He supposed the McDonald’s could eat whatever they wanted in their house for a midnight snack. And if it was another employee taking some extra, well Taako wasn’t about to snitch.

* * *

“Hello, Sir!” A young voice called out one afternoon, and Taako almost dropped the bowl he was holding in shock. He had been working at the McDonald’s for almost four weeks now, and he had neither seen nor heard that there was a child wandering around. 

“Are you fucking lost?” Taako asked, and it only occurred to him after he said it that it was pretty harsh language for a baby.

The boy laughed. He fit into the house well. His clothes were posh and clearly worth more than Taako made, which was sort of sad considering the sweater vest, shorts, and frankly adorable hat he was rocking. 

“I’m Angus McDonald, Sir!” The baby, practically an infant, answered. Taako knew of two McDonald’s: Beatrice Thaler McDonald and Frederick McDonald. And here there was a baby McDonald. A baby McDonald that Taako had never actually prepared any food for, there was a brief moment of gratefulness that the kid hadn’t actually eaten any of the meals he prepared, followed by a longer moment of terror of what the McDonald’s were going to do to him for not feeding their kid.

“If you’re a baby McDonald, why haven’t I see you here before, little dude?”

“Oh I stay at my school here in Neverwinter, Sir! But my roommate is a lot bigger than me and likes to throw parties on the weekends, so I usually come and stay here in my childhood bedroom instead.”

The child was worryingly small to be living away from home. “When did they start letting five year olds into boarding schools?”

The child’s face scrunched up in adorable confusion, and Taako could just barely make out the resemblance between the elder McDonalds and the boy. A familiar nose, his father’s dark eyes, and his mother’s coloring. But there was a brightness to him that was long gone in his parents.

“You must be confused because of human ages, Sir! I’m actually eight. And I’m very smart for my age.”

Something else just clicked. “You come home every weekend, short stack? Then why haven’t I fed you? I keep serving dinner for two and haven’t gotten any complaints yet.”

“I don’t eat with my parents, Sir. They are very busy people.” And that made the missing food issue make a lot more sense now. It was sort of sad, but Taako really didn’t do sad. 

Thankfully Angus didn’t seem to be about that life either. “I just wanted to come and say thank you! Your food is very good.”

And the baby McDonald had been eating his food. A heavy weight settled in Taako’s stomach. Taako knew he responded, but his voice seemed far away. “Natch, cha’boy’s got talent.” He felt the bowl slip through his fingers, but thankfully it was directly over the counter and it was almost casual. 

Angus may have said something else, but Taako wasn’t processing much. Baby McDonald lived in the house sometimes and ate his food. Angus left, saying something about getting back to the school he went to. Once the kitchen was clear, Taako calmly walked to the nearest bathroom and emptied his stomach. 

* * *

Angus popped by more often after that. The first couple of times were very similar to the first. Angus would come in, grab some food, be a charming little shit, and skedaddle. Taako had to stop himself from hyperventilating every time. He always tasted what the kid ate now right before he did, but still, what if he missed something?

After a couple of times, Taako actually convinced the kid to stay and eat in the kitchen. There was some guilt involved and Taako only felt a little bit bad about it, but it may him breathe a bit easier to watch the kid for a little bit after he had consumed the food. Especially in a place Taako had carefully stocked with the antidotes to most common poisons. 

* * *

The kid started to open up a bit more, and, well, Taako did love to talk to a willing audience, so it wasn’t that bad when the brat would hang out in the kitchen for a bit. Taako talked about cooking and the house gossip and Taako listened to Angus’s school day and other nerd things the kid was interested in. Which was more and more surprising every time. 

“A detective?” Taako wouldn’t have pegged that. The kid was like six. “What kinds of things do you investigate then?”

“All sorts of things!” The kid’s whole face lit up as he talked about his mysteries. “Just last week I helped my classmate find her missing books, and I helped the florist figure out who was taking his flowers, and -”

“Sounds very interesting, Agnes,” Taako agreed and continued to prep dinner with Angus chattering in the background. The child didn’t seem overly concerned with his minimal response, of course that was until he dropped what could have been a bomb. 

“And I’m investigating you, Sir!” Taako almost dropped the bowl he was carrying. 

“Me? I hardly think I’m that interesting, Aglet.” Playing it cool had usually worked pretty well in the past.

“No, you’re Taako, from Sizzle it Up with Taako!” Angus insisted. If anyone was going to fuck this gig up, of course it had to be the one person that Taako sort of occasionally tolerated. What a bummer. 

Taako started to stir the bowl again slowly, maybe he could still get out of this. If not, he could make a break for the hallway and be out of the city before Angus could get the militia on his side. “You must have me confused with someone else, bubela.”

Angus tilted his head. “No. I think you’re lying, Sir. All the evidence that I have gathered clearly points to you being Taako from Sizzle it Up with Taako.”

“Okay.” Taako put down the bowl before focusing completely on the kid who did not look worried enough to be sitting in the same room as someone who had murdered forty people. Especially considering that the kid was still eating the food Taako served him. Granted it was just some chex mix that Taako had made, but still. Poison is poison.

Taako reached over to snag the bowl away from Agnus. “If you think that, you must know enough to know how the last show ended.”

Angus snatched the chex mix back and shoved a fist full into his mouth. Considering all the McDonalds that Taako had seen eating, including Angus up until now, had always done it with a careful and restrained grace, Taako sort of wanted to high five him under different circumstances. 

“I know you didn’t do it, Sir,” Angus assured him, and that was pretty much just a sucker punch to the gut. The sheer confidence and earnestness in Angus’s young face. It almost hurt to disappoint him.

Taako made himself take a deep breath. “I may not have meant to feed a bunch of people their deaths, but it’s clear I fucked something up.” Taako made another grab for Angus’s snack, but the boy held it close. “Stop fucking eating that!”

Angus shook his head vigorously. “No, Sir. I’m a very smart little boy and I thought of that as well. You were already working here for a week before I heard of you, and no one died. And you aren’t very observant while you’re cooking, so it was easy to watch and see you tasted everything first.” Angus reached into a pocket and pulled out a salt shaker. “Plus, I bought this! It’s a Low Sodium Salt Shaker. It doesn’t add much flavor, but it does turn pink if it’s sprinkled on non-edible food.”

Taako felt something in his chest ease at the explanation of the poison check. Angus was too smart to be killed by him. Although, there was the problem that Taako had never seen that weird little salt shaker before. “And how come you’ve never whipped that bad boy out when you’ve been here?”

Angus’s look of surprise may have been cute under other circumstances. “Well, that would have been fucking rude of me, sir.”

“Don’t fucking swear.” Taako thought about it for a moment. “So you stopped using the salt thing when I bullied you into eating here with me?”

Angus shrugged, eating another handful of the chex mix and ignoring Taako’s wince. “Well, at that point I’d been eating your food for a while, and it had been fine. Plus, you aren’t very subtle about tasting the food, sir.”

Taako pointedly grabbed a handful of the chex mix Angus was eating and shoved it in his mouth. “A good chef always tastes their food, Aglet. That’s got nothing to do with any of this other shit.”

“Of course, sir,” said Angus, and Taako pretended the stupid kid wasn’t laughing at him. 

“Tell me where to get one of the salt shaker things,” Taako said, and Angus surprised him by sliding his own across the counter. 

“You can take mine, sir! I don’t need it anymore.” Before Taako could protest, Angus snatched the bowl with the remaining chex mix off the counter, and jumped from his chair. “I have some homework to do before I head back to school, and also I think your dinner is burning! Bye!”

Distracted by the fact that Angus was right, and rushing to pull the chicken out of the oven, Taako was unable to stop him from leaving. In a rush to finish dinner before seven, Taako found himself not able to properly process the conversation until later. 

Taako was wiping down the counters at the end of the night, when he came across the innocuous little salt shaker. Angus McDonald heard that Taako had murdered forty people and he didn’t believe it. Angus was a very smart little boy, and Taako found himself hoping that he was right. 


End file.
